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Sleep was so horrible last night, we couldn't do any of the plans we had, I didn't even really fall asleep until 7 am! I am tired tonight and my herbal insomnia medicine came so I am going to try that tonight too. Granted I sleep well enough I'd like to one of two things tomorrow: get up and go have a SB date / run errands / have lunch at Panera Bread, or both B and me go volunteer at Ethan's school about 10:30. I'd really love to go out with just B, we haven't done anything together in a while. I'd also love to just sit and look for new books for my nook while I sip tea at SB.

I sold Ethan's crib / toddler bed, well, they are coming Saturday to pick it up. It makes me kinda sad but it's just in the way right now. I will bank the money and put it towards either a loft bed, or a regular bed for him when the time comes.

Ethan had a rough day at school, supposedly he hit a kid for no reason. That isn't like him at all and as our FIPP lady told me over the phone when I spoke with her about it, the teacher might not have seen the other side of the story.

So yes, we have changed our minds and decided to keep up with the FIPP (Family Infant Preschool Program) but we want to focus on behavior and how to react to his behaviors. The first thing we are going to do next week though, is she is coming out and bringing the OT worker on staff and going over our sensory test scores. However we scored might change up how we need to approach things. I'm not sure why we need an OT worker though.

So this June will be our 10th wedding anniversary. I think since we are having a week at the beach, B and I should take a walk alone on the beach and maybe say some mushy stuff to each other. I'd also like to have his wedding band resized (it's too big) and re dipped (it's scuffed some) and get my original band resized as well as my new band, one is too big and one is too little! I could wear my new band on my right hand, it is beautiful with Ethan's purple birthstones, but I kinda want my original band back on my wedding finger. So we should get that done before our beach trip :). I do hope that my old but going back to doctor will give me some Valiums to take with us, I don't think I'd even need them but just knowing I had them in case would help. I will ask him next week. I am honestly really excited about this trip, sadly my anxiety and tendencies to leave vacations early are also on my mind.

Ethan is going to my dads on Saturday morning. Since this is the last weekend before the birthday party, I should probably clean up but I probably won't do a lot, it will just get messy again during the week! I might straighten up some of my gardening stuff outside though. And maybe deep clean the rug under the kitchen table. I do not want to over do it though!  
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almost 4!

Ethan / Teeball?

He is doing a lot better with his speech and words but sometimes, and he will go weeks without doing this and then have weeks, like this week, where it's really bad. He will have a little stutter. It's like he has to think so hard about what word he is trying to get out. When this happens, I tell him to slow down and think about what he is trying to say. It comes out when he is excited too.

I left a note with his speech therapist to call me, I wanted to run it by her but she hasn't yet. I want to volunteer at school on Friday so maybe I will see her.

Maybe he is trying so hard to say the word correctly that he just gets fumbled up, I'm not sure but it's hard to see sometimes :(.

The local ELM school posted on FB that they are having teeball sign ups for a team of 3 and 4 year olds.

I wanted him to play this year and I think this team would be perfect as he's never played and he would be with some 3 year olds too, but when I asked him about it, he was all about it, until I showed him a game on you tube and then he said no lol.

I do have him a teeball set for his birthday. I commented and asked when the latest you can sign is, I was hoping I would have time to give him his teeball set and play with him some and then ask him again.

He can throw a ball really good, but we've never worked with him with a glove.

Maybe I will have time to play it with him before we have to decide. I would also love it if it was played this summer, we really need stuff to do while he is out of school all summer.

If not, there is always next year, I just think this is a good sport to introduce him to.
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Finding Balance

I have noticed my depression slowly sneaking up on me, I had e-mailed the new psychiatrist last week about my sleep troubles (he told me to e-mail him if I needed anything) and nothing. I called this morning and left a very detailed message about I could feel my depression coming on, I know my signs and that I had already e-mailed him.  Again, nothing.

So I called my old psych's office and spoke with the nurse of my old doctor that managed my psych meds (he isn't an actual psychiatrist but has worked in this field many years and helped me the most when I was faced with my PPD/A, so I trust him), I explained to the nurse what I had done, and how the new doctor had moved all my meds around and that I was slipping. I told her I wanted to come back to them, and I wanted to get off the Xanax if they would help me do it slowly. She put me on hold and then came right back and told me she was calling in refills of my old medicine, to get right back on them the way I was and that he (my old doctor that  managed my psych meds) would help me get off the Xanax very slowly, we would drop it 1 mg every two months until we got to the 1 mg and then we'd do that very slowly. He told me to make an appointment to get in with him ASAP and we'd talk more about if we needed to make anymore changes. I got an appointment next Friday. I want to ask him if I should take something like Buspar, something I'd take daily to help prevent anxiety so that it would be easier to get off the Xanax and I will need something to help with my panic/anxiety. I'm also going to ask him if I he would give me some Valium for the beach trip to take only if I felt so panicky that I wanted to up and leave. I think knowing that he would give me that when the times comes, will lift some of the already anxiety I am feeling about the damn beach trip!

But that is why I love this place, it's a mental health clinic with tons of staff. I can always, always, get help when I need it. B told me to go ahead and get him an appointment there and he too would go back there too and just get off the Xanax because it would make it easier for me.

I am ready to get off the Xanax, it's getting harder and harder to get and what if the same thing happens that happened with my pain medicine? I often think about that and how awful those withdrawals would be, I almost certinaly would have to go to a detox center and I don't want that! So it's time.

I feel better already knowing I'm going back on my medicine that had me very stable. I feel good that I'm deciding to get off the Xanax slow and safely and shouldn't withdrawal. I feel good knowing I have this clinic back in my life. AND I'm going back to the next group therapy, not this week but next, yes nahele_101, you owe me a damn star :p.

Maybe getting my medicine back to normal will also help with my insomnia. I'm trying so hard but sleep is so hard to get at night, but I make myself get up every morning even though I could easily sleep hours longer.

Tomorrow I'm getting up with Ethan (super damn early!) and we are going to have a much needed SB date and run errands. I hope getting up that early and not taking any naps no matter what, will just keep pushing me back to normal sleep.

Sometimes I worry this new pain medicine is messing with my sleep too. Sometimes pain medicine has the opposite effect on me, it makes others sleepy but me wired. I'd much rather stay on this then every put Oxy back in my system though. I also ordered some natural sleep aid off amazon, it is made with Valerian, Chamomile, Passionflower, Lemon Balm, Melatonin and some other natural stuff, it says it is the number 1 best insomnia natural sold supplement on Amazon. I hope I can just use one bottle to help get me back on track.

Maybe after we tackle the Xanx, I can then get off the Ambien. I'd like to be a pill free as possible, I think that is the best. It doesn't even keep me asleep but 3 hours anymore. I've tried many times and failed getting off it though, so I dunno :/.
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(no subject)

So this made the front page of our paper yesterday. Yes, that was my doctor! I just can't imagine him getting in trouble, he put me though the ringer to get my pain medicine: xrays, MRI, and then an approval letter from the rheumatologist to have in my chart saying how bad my knees are and he approved of the use of pain medicine.

I think someone just got mad they couldn't get their pain meds anymore, you guys remember how hard it was for me to find somewhere?

I feel bad for him, he's had such a long career and this is how he has to end it :(.

bright flowers!

(no subject)

B got me some lactose free milk so I having a bowl of cereal. It's not bad, a little sweet. I can't eat it all though, I think the cereal itself makes me feel sick too.

Ethan gave me such a hard time when it was time for him to go to bed. He never gives B any trouble!

I see a few of my lj friends deleted their lj's, that always makes me sad. I hope they decide to come back.

I decided not to finish "the Girl on the Train" and read it instead, it seems like it will be very good.

I'm so exciting.
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Yesterday = success!

Last night was the first night in weeks (!) that I was able to go to bed without any regrets of the day.

I got up at a good time, we went out and had lunch at the park, I took Ethan into walmart just us and he was perfect. We only got a few things, my paint!

We came home and played some games together, then we were all so very tired. We cuddled in bed and then all went to bed at 6:30 pm! I knew I should have made myself stay up but I was going on about 5 hours of less, about 7 less then normal, so I was gone after laying down, and slept solid until about 9 pm :/. Then it was toss and turn all night, then tummy issues (thanks Chinese food), and I finally went back to sleep about 6 am and made myself get up again early.

So tonight I need to make myself stay up until at least 9 pm, and then hopefully sleep will go better. I so could have slept the day away but I worked hard Saturday night / Sunday and wasn't about to threw that away!

We are about to head out to go get Ethan and then I think him and I are going to go outside and paint a little. I need to clean up a little inside too. I just need to keep moving!

It's a beautiful sunny warm day, looking forward to being out in it.
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Friends cut.

I'm doing a small friends cut.

- If we don't comment or talk, we probably don't have anything in common, nothing personal <3.
- You don't update your LJ, if you start to do so again, please let me know

Also, if you feel like you want to remove me (I hope you don't!) then please feel free to do so.
bright flowers!

(no subject)

Friends Only.

Comment to be added and I'll do the same, most likely.

>> heatherjclark AT <<

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